Having a good time in LA working on the Rob Schneider show. We are almost finished writing all the episodes and looks like we will be shooting in Feb. I’ve been performing at The Laugh Factory in Hollywood quite a bit and it’s been motivating watching such great comics perform and has really made me step up my game. In fact this year I plan to drop all the dick jokes I’ve been doing and replace them all with brand new dick jokes. Maybe not all of them. We’ll see.
I’m actually headed home to Austin to hang with the family for the weekend. I read the other day that the cost of raising a child is $300,000 from birth to their 18th birthday. That seems very expensive. But they say that it’s a worthwhile investment because you don’t want to die alone. But wouldn’t you technically not be dying alone since you would have the $300,000? You are really just trading dying with your kids surrounding you, to dying with the newest iPad and a motorcycle. I’m just saying it’s something worth thinking about.
Hitting up a few clubs this month including Jan 9-11at De Ja Vu (Columbia, MO), and then Fairbanks, Alaska January 21-25, closing out the month at Dr. Grins in Grand Rapids, MI.
I heard a quote that really rang true to me today while sitting at the elite Alaska Airlines lounge. I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea, the only reason I’m even in here is that I paid extra to not be like or around the other regular people at the airport. Anyway, a man was trying to dispense a latte from an automated coffee machine and it was broken and wouldn’t work. The quote the man said when he faced this plight was something I’m going to remember next time I’m in a similar situation. He looked at the machine and loudly yelled “This is fucking bullshit!” Well, said, sir. I think it’s important to take a minute and realize how lucky we are in this country. If getting your free coffee within two seconds is the worst part of your day then I think you are having a pretty good day. There are some countries that don’t even have these machines and you have to go to Starbucks. This sounds crazy but some third world countries only have a Coffee Beanery. In truth, the man he may have been angry that I had gotten the very last cup of coffee from the machine, and then punched the front of it, rendering it useless. But either way I’m glad I had the opportunity to learn this morning.
Until next time,
For the next three months I’ll be mostly in LA writing and shooting Rob Schneider’s new show “Real Rob”. We have a deal to make 13 episodes not exactly sure yet where it will end up but not too concerned with that at this point. I’m a writer/creator on the series and also play Rob’s assistant, I’m excited for this opportunity but nervous I do not have the proper clothing to fit in in Los Angeles.
By the way, you know you’ve been gone too much when you’re kid calls the iPad “Dad.”
I’ll be taking a couple breaks to do Calgary and Montreal in hopes of having some great shows and also possibly losing a nipple to frostbite. Rob and I may do some dates as well. I also look forward to performing at the APCA college conference in Houston, TX at the end of October and am hoping to book a bunch of schools before they realize how old I am.
Added some clubs for 2014 including Rochester! I will update the schedule soon.
Lots going on..
Will be back on Fox News Redeye this WED night/Thursday morning. Sweet.
I woke up this morning and it was so hot my balls were on Kayak.com booking a trip to Alaska.
The Rob Schneider Pilot for “Real Rob” is getting good feedback and is still out there being pitched, I have a big role in the pilot so fingers crossed!
I discovered today that when someone says they’ve been “researching” something, they just mean they’ve been “googling” it.
I’m putting together some Northeast College Dates if you’d like to see me at your school around these dates email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and I’ll get you in touch with the right folks, looking forward to coming back out east!
I’m also looking forward to putting together a Southeast tour after performing
October 25-26 at the APCA College Conference in Houston, TX.
It was so hot today I saw the devil with one of those hand held fans.
I also added these club dates:
It was so hot today I thought these were all great jokes.
I’m headed back to LA tonight to work on Rob’s Show, I’m also going to be adding some dates to the calendar where I’ll be opening for him.
I’m sitting in the New Orleans airport which is so expensive I bought a cup of coffee, looked at the receipt and immediately filed rape charges. Then I remembered I had asked for it.
Fox News Redeye still scheduled for July 23rd of next week.
I miss Game of Thrones.
Spoiler Alert: If the car your driving has a spoiler, you are a douche bag.
I recorded a new family friendly 70 minute CD called #2 Dad. It will be available soon. I recorded it at The Comedy Club in Rochester, NY.
The internet connection in this airport is so slow I went to facebook.com and myspace came up.
I know I still haven’t updated my schedule. Maybe I will do that now but probably not.
That’s all I got. I’m tired.
I’ll be returning to my favorite Fox News show- Redeye July 23rd and August 14th. It’s been a while so I’m excited to see Greg and the boys in NYC. I’ll be doing some jokes and pretending I know something about politics.
I’m headed to LA on July 4th for a week to finish up the script for Rob’s new show, it has some solid interest from a few different channels so looking forward to seeing where this goes. I’ll be playing his dim-witted assistant in the pilot- so really just being myself.
Austin is going well, although it is very hot. Yesterday someone actually said to me “you can fry eggs on the sidewalk there if you want to!”, which is silly because although it is quite warm, most people also have stoves surrounded by air conditioning and also then you could eat the eggs.
I’m going to be trying to stay in town a bit more and do some auditions as I just signed with a talent agency in Austin that I really like. It sounds like there’s a lot of commercial work and independent movies happening in and around Austin so I’d like to try to get involved in that over the next few months.
My son Charlie has just started Tai Kwon Do, which he loves but the last time I asked him to clean his room he kicked me in the neck and I woke up a week later. Briar is doing all the normal girl stuff like playing with princesses and barbies and such so it’s pretty awesome. When I get home I may replace barbie’s dreamhouse with a smaller apartment-like dwelling so her expectations aren’t too high when she gets out there in the real world.
I’ve added some dates to the calendar but can’t bring myself to update it right now. I hope everyone is having a good summer and I hope to see you in your town sometime.
Wanted to offer up and update on what’s been going on. The family and I are in Austin and it’s turned out to be the best move. Comedy scene is killer, family is happy. I’ve been spending a lot of time in LA and have a new manager, John Schneider (Rob Schneider’s brother) that’s been helping me with a lot of different projects. Since the beginning of the year I’ve finished up the movie Rob asked me to write and we’re collaborating on his new television series. I can’t tell you exactly what it’s about but let me just say this: I don’t know. I’m just kidding, I think it’s going to be really good.
I got back from the APCA Northeast College conference yesterday and it was an absolute blast. I look forward to visiting all the schools that booked me and also some of the other ones that didn’t whether they like it or not in the next couple semesters. The funniest thing I did while I was there was when a drunk comedian after my showcase said to me, “I don’t normally give other comedians advice about they’re set….” and I said, “That’s great news.” and walked away. I hope I didn’t miss anything good.
Dexter, our Bernese Mountain Dog is doing well although he complains about the heat a lot. By complains I mean he has trouble breathing. Maybe somebody shouldn’t wear their winter coat everyday idiot.
I’ve added a lot of dates to the calendar, and am excited to head back to Montreal, Detroit and Boston before the end of the year. I’ve also got a lot of Carnival Cruises on the books, great gigs and I always get a lot of writing done. By writing I mean eating. Also I am beyond excited to be back in Rochester at The Comedy Club June 20-22. (And Turning Stone June 19).
I love gambling and was reminded recently of something I did back in my “crazy drinking days” back in the early part of 2013, where I was at a blackjack table and after a particularly bad beat I said the F word. The pit boss told me that after 3 F bombs I would be thrown out. I said the F word again exactly where it belonged after the dealer hit on 20, got a 2, then drew another card and got a negative 1 for 21. That didn’t happen but I’m exaggerating for effect. The Pit Boss reminded me “3 F words and then your kicked out.” At which point I asked him how many “C” words I was allotted. If you ever play this joke they give you a personal escort immediately back up to your room. I went back up to my room and came back 30 minutes later in a disguise. A hat and glasses. By mistake I sat at the exact same table and ordered the exact same drink. The same guy escorted the disguised me back up to my room shortly there after. Thank you good night!
So, I will be officially relocating to Austin, TX mid March, they have a killer comedy scene and I’m excited to be a part of it. I also heard it has a very warm climate and when you cross the border they hand everyone in your family a shotgun.
I am still adding some stand-up dates but am headed to LA at the end of Feb. for a few weeks to work on Rob Schneider’s new tv show… we are also finishing up a movie we are writing together and he will be starring in… if it all goes like it should!
I’ve added some dates in Vegas, Canada, and also a weekend of shows in Rochester mid-June. I’m trying to go with a “really hot climate” then “really cold climate” type of a theme and it seems to be working for me. Details to come as it gets closer.
As far as personal goals this year I would like to learn to swim really well. Lifting weights is fun but doesn’t help you if you fall out of a boat. A friend of mine told me yesterday he wants to do an Ironman. I don’t even know how to iron so I was very impressed. He said it was a full marathon followed by cycling… then that’s all I heard because I followed someone walking by with a tray of drinks they looked to be giving away. I also recently picked up a nice pair of biking pants, I don’t plan on biking but wish everyone could see my penis.
I hope everyone had as good of a Valentine’s day as Hallmark did.
I am super psyched (sorry for the high school lingo but this is going to be mint!) to be opening for Patton Oswalt Sat. September 22nd. Anyone who doesn’t know who Patton is he’s one of the funniest most original comics of our time. Any kids reading this he was the voice of the main rat from Ratatouille.
For tickets of Patton’s bio click here.
Last year I did some sketches with a group of amazing comics including Chad Daniels, Greg Warren, Isaac Witty, Henry Phillips, Nikki Glaser, Auggie Smith. The sketches are now in rotation starting this week on Sirius/XM Radio’s Blue Collar Channel. The group has a name but I forgot it.
Just added a show, March 31st at Niagra University w/ Rob Schneider, if anyone wants to come there are only a few tickets left to the public at www.ticketmaster.com.